Why Am I So Hard on Myself?

These three words are often used as if they mean the same thing. Researchers separate them.

• Guilt is the feeling that something I did does not fit my values.
• Shame is a negative judgment of myself as a whole (for example, "I am bad").
• Self-criticism is a harsh, judging way of talking to yourself, which can go with either.

Across many studies, shame was usually more strongly linked with anxiety symptoms than guilt was. Some free-floating or exaggerated guilt appeared about as unhelpful as shame. So the picture is not simply that guilt is good and shame is bad.

Guilt after trauma is also strongly linked with PTSD symptoms (a pooled correlation of about .4 across 163 studies). So neither feeling is simply protective. Most of this research uses proneness questionnaires, and different scales can give different patterns.

Whether guilt helps relationships depends partly on how it is measured. On average, guilt was weakly linked with caring for others, and shame was not. These links are small and depend on the methods used.

People who are harshly self-critical tend to do somewhat less well in psychotherapy on average, though this does not show that self-criticism causes poorer outcomes. It is an average across many people, not a prediction about you.

In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), people look at the thoughts that go with painful feelings. Some thoughts are described as cognitive distortions: thinking patterns that stretch or narrow what actually happened. Some therapists also talk about negative core beliefs, deep, long-held ideas about oneself. These are ways of describing experience, and not diagnoses.

• A mistake versus a verdict. "I made a mistake" describes something that happened. "I am a failure" is a judgment about the whole self.
• All or nothing. "If it was not perfect, it was a disaster."
• Mind reading. "They must think I am useless."
• Overlooking the good. Remembering the one error and not the nine things that went well.

Noticing a pattern does not mean you are doing something wrong. A useful first step is simply to tell facts apart from the story your mind adds.

Some painful thoughts are accurate. If a thought reflects something unfair or unsafe that really happened, the goal is not to argue yourself out of it. Notice what is true and what is added on, and seek support. The named patterns above are teaching labels, and they are not validated as separate things.

Cognitive restructuring means examining and revising unhelpful thoughts. A network meta-analysis combined 45 trials of face-to-face therapy for adults with depression. Cognitive restructuring, behavioral activation and full CBT each did better than waitlist or usual care. There was no evidence of a difference between them.

The evidence for cognitive restructuring alone rests on fewer trials. Researchers do not yet know which parts of treatment for depression drive the benefit, because most studies that remove one component are too small to tell.

These trials compare treatment packages. They do not show that changing thoughts is what helps, or that it is the only route. This page does not say that distorted thoughts cause mental illness.

Compassion-focused therapy and similar programs teach kindness toward yourself and others. In trials they helped many people feel less depressed and anxious on average, though most trials were small and relied on self-report.

Self-compassion programs also reduced self-criticism compared with control groups. The reductions were larger against passive controls than against active ones. Study quality was moderate and results varied a lot.

One online compassion-focused program helped self-critical adults compared with usual care in a single trial. It was not tested against another active therapy.

Self-compassion was linked with life satisfaction in many countries, and more strongly in more individualistic societies. So it may fit differently in different cultures.

Researchers disagree about how best to score the Self-Compassion Scale. Some argue that its negative items mostly reflect distress, while others support using a total score. This is one reason findings on self-compassion should be read with care.

Kind words toward yourself can feel uncomfortable or make things worse at first. This is common, especially with shame or past hurt, and research links fear of compassion with more distress. Go slowly, stop if needed, and consider doing this work with a therapist.

This is a private reflection, not an assessment. Pick one recent moment when you were hard on yourself. You can stop at any time, and you can skip a question. If kind words toward yourself feel uncomfortable, that is common. Go slowly.

Families and cultures treat shame and self-criticism in different ways. Some see them as a way to keep high standards or to show respect, and others see them mainly as a burden. Research on self-compassion suggests it may fit differently across cultures, but it does not tell us which view is right.

This section is a perspective for reflection, not a scientific finding. You are free to hold your standards and also speak to yourself with respect.

Consider talking with a licensed professional if these patterns affect your daily life, such as your sleep, work, relationships or mood, or if they feel too heavy to carry alone. See How to choose a therapist and Therapy types.

If shame or self-criticism feels constant, or comes with low mood, anxiety, or thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out to a licensed professional. See Depression and Anxiety. A therapist can also help you choose among the approaches described above.

Related pages: Understanding trauma, Understanding the Younger Parts of Yourself.

• Ciharova, M., Furukawa, T. A., Efthimiou, O., Karyotaki, E., Miguel, C., Noma, H., Cipriani, A., Riper, H., & Cuijpers, P. (2021). Cognitive restructuring, behavioral activation and cognitive-behavioral therapy in the treatment of adult depression: A network meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 89(6), 563-574. Source Cognitive restructuring, behavioral activation and CBT compared in depression trials.
• Cuijpers, P., Cristea, I. A., Karyotaki, E., Reijnders, M., & Hollon, S. D. (2019). Component studies of psychological treatments of adult depression: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 29(1), 15-29. Source Which CBT component drives benefit is not known.
• Cândea, D.-M., & Szentagotai-Tătar, A. (2018). Shame-proneness, guilt-proneness and anxiety symptoms: A meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 58, 78-106. Source Shame and guilt proneness and anxiety; maladaptive guilt.
• Han, A., & Kim, T. H. (2023). Effects of self-compassion interventions on reducing depressive symptoms, anxiety, and stress: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 14(7), 1553-1581. Source Self-compassion interventions: small to medium effects, high risk of bias.
• Kip, A., Diele, J., Holling, H., & Morina, N. (2022). The relationship of trauma-related guilt with PTSD symptoms in adult trauma survivors: a meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 52(12), 2201-2211. Source Meta-analysis: trauma-related guilt linked with PTSD symptoms (association).
• Kirby, J. N., Day, J., & Sagar, V. (2019). The ‘Flow’ of compassion: A meta-analysis of the fears of compassion scales and psychological functioning. Clinical Psychology Review, 70, 26-39. Source Fears of compassion linked with distress and self-criticism; self-kindness may feel uncomfortable.
• Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Steindl, S. R. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behavior Therapy, 48(6), 778-792. Source Compassion-based interventions in 21 trials.
• Krieger, T., Reber, F., von Glutz, B., Urech, A., Moser, C. T., Schulz, A., & Berger, T. (2019). An internet-based compassion-focused intervention for increased self-criticism: A randomized controlled trial. Behavior Therapy, 50(2), 430-445. Source Online compassion-focused program for self-critical adults (one trial).
• Löw, C. A., Schauenburg, H., & Dinger, U. (2020). Self-criticism and psychotherapy outcome: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 75, 101808. Source Self-criticism before therapy and outcome (association).
• Muris, P., & Otgaar, H. (2020). The Process of Science: A Critical Evaluation of more than 15 Years of Research on Self-Compassion with the Self-Compassion Scale. Mindfulness, 11(6), 1469-1482. Source Critique of Self-Compassion Scale scoring (one side of a debate).
• Muris, P., & Petrocchi, N. (2017). Protection or vulnerability? A meta-analysis of the relations between the positive and negative components of self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 24(2), 373-383. Source Self-compassion scale: negative components and symptoms; totals may overstate protection.
• Neff, K. D., Tóth-Király, I., Yarnell, L. M., Arimitsu, K., Castilho, P., Ghorbani, N., Guo, H. X., Hirsch, J. K., Hupfeld, J., Hutz, C. S., Kotsou, I., Lee, W. K., Montero-Marin, J., Sirois, F. M., de Souza, L. K., Svendsen, J. L., Wilkinson, R. B., & Mantzios, M. (2019). Examining the factor structure of the Self-Compassion Scale in 20 diverse samples: Support for use of a total score and six subscale scores. Psychological Assessment, 31(1), 27-45. Source Support for using a total score and subscale scores (other side of the scoring debate).
• Tignor, S. M., & Colvin, C. R. (2017). The interpersonal adaptiveness of dispositional guilt and shame: A meta-analytic investigation. Journal of Personality, 85(3), 341-363. Source Whether guilt is linked with caring for others depends on measurement.
• Wakelin, K. E., Perman, G., & Simonds, L. M. (2022). Effectiveness of self-compassion-related interventions for reducing self-criticism: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 29(1), 1-25. Source Self-compassion interventions reduce self-criticism in 19 trials.
• Wang, H., & Lou, X. (2022). The correlation between self-compassion and life satisfaction varies across societal individualism-collectivism: A three-level meta-analysis. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 53(9), 1097-1116. Source Self-compassion and life satisfaction across cultures.

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