Authenticity and Belonging: Why We Sometimes Hide Our Needs

Researchers who study motivation describe a few basic needs: some sense of choice (autonomy), a sense of being capable (competence), and a sense of connection with others (relatedness). When people feel these needs are met, they tend to report better well-being. Most of this evidence shows links, not proof of cause.

In this theory, autonomy means acting in ways you personally endorse. It does not mean acting alone or putting yourself before others. People who follow family or cultural values they endorse can feel fully autonomous. Researchers still debate how universal these three needs are.

Belonging matters too. Feeling lonely often is linked with a higher chance of developing depression later. Researchers see this as a public mental health issue, although loneliness is not the only cause.

• Wanting to be yourself and wanting to belong are both ordinary human needs.
• They can sometimes pull against each other, and some people may hold back at times to keep a connection.
• How these needs fit together may differ by culture, relationship and situation.

People who feel they live authentically tend to report higher well-being. A meta-analysis of 65 studies found a moderate positive link between feeling authentic and well-being (r about .40). The data are correlational, so they cannot show that authenticity causes well-being.

In teenagers, diary and experimental studies suggested that feeling authentic may improve well-being in the short term, and that feeling free to choose was one route to feeling authentic. This was in adolescents only.

Being authentic does not mean ignoring other people. In everyday life, accepting outside influence was more often linked with feeling more true to oneself, not less.

Psychologists use the word suppression for hiding or holding in what you feel. Some studies look at habitual suppression of emotion. Others look at silencing your own needs in relationships, or at giving things up for a partner.

• Across 43 papers, more suppression of emotion went with less social support and lower relationship quality. This is an association, not proof.
• Silencing your own needs in relationships was moderately linked with depression across 42 studies. Depression may also lead to more silencing, so the direction is unclear.
• A review of 619 studies found that adults with mental disorders reported more avoidance, rumination and suppression than other adults. Most studies were questionnaires at one point in time, so they cannot show which came first.
• A narrative review of suppression in social anxiety and depression likewise cannot separate cause and effect.
• Giving things up for a partner is not simply good or bad. In one meta-analysis of romantic partners, willing, satisfying sacrifice went with better well-being. Perceived costs of sacrifice went with worse well-being.
• Care for others that comes with no regard for one's own needs was not linked with personal well-being, while care balanced with self-concern was.

These findings do not say that expressing every feeling is healthy. In the same meta-analysis, expressing anger was linked with poorer social outcomes. Expressing negative emotion in general showed a very small, mixed link. Expressing positive emotion was linked with better outcomes.

Researchers are still working out when expressing or holding back a feeling helps and when it does not. A meta-analysis of emotion regulation strategies found that they did not sort into the simple groups earlier theories predicted. It did not test which strategies are good or bad for well-being.

Culture may matter as well. In one meta-analysis of 33 studies, hiding emotions (expressive suppression) showed no overall link with life satisfaction. The link was negative in samples from Western cultural regions and not significant in Eastern ones. Comparisons between broad regions are coarse, and this area is still developing.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) works on what it calls psychological flexibility. This means noticing your thoughts and feelings, making room for them, and still choosing actions that fit your values. A value is something that matters to you, such as honesty, family or fairness.

ACT is a type of therapy. In trials it has helped with many conditions. It has not been shown to be better than CBT, and some of the reviews were written by ACT researchers.

Changes in psychological flexibility tend to go along with improvement in ACT trials. Most studies measure it only before and after treatment, so it is not yet clear that flexibility is the reason people improve.

In plain terms, you can honour a value such as kindness or loyalty and still ask whether a given choice fits what matters to you. Both can be true.

Being yourself does not have to compete with caring for others. Many people see compromise, patience and responsibility to family or community as part of who they are. Some communities place more weight on harmony or duty, and others on individual expression. Neither is wrong.

For reflection: do your choices fit what matters to you, and what do they cost?

Another idea to think about, not a research finding: pressure to act against your values, over a long time, may add to distress for some people in some circumstances. Notice how you see yourself when you hold back. Does it feel like a choice, or like a rule you do not agree with?

This section is a perspective for reflection, not a scientific finding.

These questions are for your own thinking. They are not a test, and there are no right answers. Answer any, in any order, or leave them blank.

Consider talking with a licensed professional if these patterns affect your daily life, such as your sleep, work, relationships or mood, or if they feel too heavy to carry alone. See How to choose a therapist and Therapy types.

If you often feel unable to say what you need, and it affects your mood, your relationships or your daily life, a therapist can help you look at it with you. In 12 randomized trials with people who had social anxiety, assertiveness training reduced social anxiety to a medium degree. These trials did not test difficulty voicing needs in general. It is one option to ask a therapist about if you also feel anxious around others.

If speaking up is not safe because someone is controlling, threatening or harming you, contact a local domestic abuse or family violence service, or your local emergency number if you are in danger. These services can help you plan, and you do not have to say anything to the other person first.

Related pages: Attachment in adult life, Learning to say no, Anxiety, Depression.

• Brady, S. T., Cohen, G. L., Jarvis, S. N., & Walton, G. M. (2020). A brief social-belonging intervention in college improves adult outcomes for Black Americans. Science Advances, 6(18), eaay3689. Source One-hour belonging exercise in the first year of college, followed up 7 to 11 years later in Black American adults; self-reported outcomes; a single trial.
• Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2017). Suppression and expression of emotion in social and interpersonal outcomes: A meta-analysis. Emotion, 17(4), 669-683. Source Emotion suppression linked with poorer social outcomes; expressing anger linked with poorer social outcomes, negative emotion in general a very small, mixed link.
• Clamor, A., Lincoln, T. M., & Schulze, L. (2026). Emotion regulation in mental disorders: A systematic review and multilevel meta-analysis of transdiagnostic and disorder-specific impairments. Psychological Bulletin, 152(2), 157-200. Source Review of 619 studies: adults with mental disorders report more suppression, avoidance and rumination, mostly cross-sectional; not shown which comes first.
• Dryman, M. T., & Heimberg, R. G. (2018). Emotion regulation in social anxiety and depression: A systematic review of expressive suppression and cognitive reappraisal. Clinical Psychology Review, 65, 17-42. Source Suppression in social anxiety and depression (narrative review; cannot separate cause and effect).
• Gloster, A. T., Walder, N., Levin, M. E., Twohig, M. P., & Karekla, M. (2020). The empirical status of acceptance and commitment therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 18, 181-192. Source Review of 20 meta-analyses by ACT-affiliated researchers; not shown better than CBT.
• Hagger, M. S., & McAnally Star, K. (2026). Self-determination theory and workplace outcomes: A meta-analysis. Stress and Health, 42(1), e70151. Source Need support at work: pattern varied by work type, employee type and country cultural orientation.
• Hede, J. P., Malouff, J. M., & Meynadier, J. (2026). A meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials on the efficacy of assertiveness training for social anxiety. International Journal of Applied Positive Psychology, 11(2), 28. Source Assertiveness training reduced social anxiety in 12 trials of people with social anxiety.
• Howard, J. L., Slemp, G. R., & Wang, X. (2025). Need support and need thwarting: A meta-analysis of autonomy, competence, and relatedness supportive and thwarting behaviors in student populations. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 51(9), 1552-1573. Source Need support and need thwarting in students: autonomy, competence and relatedness link with well-being (association).
• Le, B. M., Impett, E. A., Lemay, E. P., Muise, A., & Tskhay, K. O. (2018). Communal motivation and well-being in interpersonal relationships: An integrative review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 144(1), 1-25. Source Care with and without self-concern and personal well-being.
• Lenton, A. P., Slabu, L., & Sedikides, C. (2016). State authenticity in everyday life. European Journal of Personality, 30(1), 64-82. Source Everyday authenticity can include accepting outside influence.
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• Macri, J. A., & Rogge, R. D. (2024). Examining domains of psychological flexibility and inflexibility as treatment mechanisms in acceptance and commitment therapy: A comprehensive systematic and meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 110, 102432. Source Review of ACT mechanisms: flexibility changes accompany improvement, but most studies measure it only before and after, so mechanism is not established.
• Mann, F., Wang, J., Pearce, E., Ma, R., Schlief, M., Lloyd-Evans, B., Ikhtabi, S., & Johnson, S. (2022). Loneliness and the onset of new mental health problems in the general population. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 57(11), 2161-2178. Source Often feeling lonely linked with later depression (association).
• Naragon-Gainey, K., McMahon, T. P., & Chacko, T. P. (2017). The structure of common emotion regulation strategies: A meta-analytic examination. Psychological Bulletin, 143(4), 384-427. Source Emotion regulation strategies did not sort into the groups earlier theories predicted; outcomes not tested.
• Pintea, S., & Gatea, A. (2021). The relationship between self-silencing and depression: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 40(4), 333-358. Source Self-silencing and depression, moderate correlation.
• Righetti, F., Sakaluk, J. K., Faure, R., & Impett, E. A. (2020). The link between sacrifice and relational and personal well-being: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(10), 900-921. Source Sacrifice for a partner (romantic partners only): willingness and satisfaction versus perceived costs.
• Slemp, G. R., Kern, M. L., Patrick, K. J., & Ryan, R. M. (2018). Leader autonomy support in the workplace: A meta-analytic review. Motivation and Emotion, 42(5), 706-724. Source Leader autonomy support at work linked with well-being; correlations not moderated by country in that review.
• Sutton, A. (2020). Living the good life: A meta-analysis of authenticity, well-being and engagement. Personality and Individual Differences, 153, 109645. Source Meta-analysis of authenticity and well-being (65 studies on well-being, r about .40); correlational; mostly Western samples.
• Tang, M., Wang, D., & Guerrien, A. (2020). A systematic review and meta-analysis on basic psychological need satisfaction, motivation, and well-being in later life: Contributions of self-determination theory. PsyCh Journal, 9(1), 5-33. Source Need satisfaction in older adults linked with well-being; mostly Western samples.
• Thomaes, S., Sedikides, C., van den Bos, N., Hutteman, R., & Reijntjes, A. (2017). Happy to be "me?" Authenticity, psychological need satisfaction, and subjective well-being in adolescence. Child Development, 88(4), 1045-1056. Source Authenticity and well-being in adolescents; autonomy as a route.
• Vansteenkiste, M., Ryan, R. M., & Soenens, B. (2020). Basic psychological need theory: Advancements, critical themes, and future directions. Motivation and Emotion, 44(1), 1-31. Source Autonomy in need theory means acting on what you endorse, not acting alone; people can follow endorsed family or cultural values and feel autonomous.
• Wu, W., Wu, H., Wu, X., Gu, J., & Qi, X. (2024). A meta-analysis of life satisfaction's association with cognitive reappraisal and expressive suppression: The influences of age, gender, and cultural values. Journal of Happiness Studies, 25(4), 41. Source Suppression and life satisfaction: no overall link; negative in Western, not significant in Eastern regions; findings still developing.

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