Many people notice that they feel and act differently when someone close becomes distant, or when closeness feels like a lot. This module explains what researchers mean by adult attachment, what the research does and does not show, and offers a private reflection. It will not diagnose you or tell you what type you are.
About 27 min read
A note on safety. This page invites reflection. It is not therapy, not a test and not a diagnosis. Thinking about close relationships can bring up strong feelings.
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If a relationship involves fear, threats, control or violence, this page is not the right tool. Abuse is not only physical. It can also be controlling what you do or who you see, controlling money, monitoring your phone, messages or location, put-downs, threats, or pressure about sex. If a partner does any of this, worry, walking on eggshells or trying to keep the peace may be a reasonable response to danger, not an attachment style. Please read the safety section of Building Relationships Without Losing Yourself before trying any of the ideas here. You can reach out to your local domestic violence service, your local emergency number, or findahelpline.com, which lists free helplines by country. The World Health Organization describes psychological abuse and controlling behaviours as forms of partner violence (WHO fact sheet). If you worry someone checks your devices, use one they cannot access.
What researchers mean by adult attachment
Research-informed
Attachment is a way of describing how people seek closeness, comfort and trust in important relationships. Researchers use the word for children and for adults, but the two are measured differently.
A common way to describe adult attachment in the research behind this module is with two dimensions: how much a person worries about closeness (anxiety), and how much a person avoids closeness (avoidance). Think of these as ways of describing tendencies, not as boxes.
Attachment anxiety is about worry: for example, wondering whether someone will stay, or needing reassurance.
Attachment avoidance is about distance: for example, preferring to cope alone or feeling uneasy when others get close.
A person can be low on both, high on one, or fairly high on both. Where you sit can vary with the relationship and the moment.
Not a type, not a diagnosis. Attachment is a pattern in how we relate, not a verdict on who we are. Research describes tendencies. It does not give anyone a fixed identity or a diagnosis.
The four everyday labels, and why they are only labels
Research-informed
You may have heard the words secure, anxious, avoidant and fearful or disorganized. They are popular shorthand. They can help start a conversation, but they are not the way adult attachment is usually measured in research. Nobody is only one of them.
Secure
Research-informed
People often described as secure tend to be fairly comfortable both with closeness and with independence. They are usually comfortable asking for and receiving support, and able to stay flexible when a relationship is under stress.
One theory, restated in a meta-analysis of therapy studies (Levy et al., 2018), describes secure attachment as healthy interdependence. This is one proposed way of framing it, not settled fact.
Insecure attachment is linked with lower relationship satisfaction (Candel & Turliuc, 2019). That is an average across many studies, not a rule for any one relationship.
Anxious
Research-informed
People higher in attachment anxiety tend to worry more about being left or not being valued, and may find uncertainty hard to sit with. One theory describes people higher in anxiety as leaning strongly on others for reassurance (Levy et al., 2018). Reviews link attachment anxiety and avoidance with different ways of handling distress (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019). This describes a tendency, not a flaw, and not a rule for any one person. Many people cope this way at times.
In a daily-life study of 211 undergraduates, people higher in attachment anxiety reported more focus on wanting to feel better themselves and on managing impressions when dealing with others' emotions (Springstein et al., 2023). These were self-reports, so this is one link in one kind of sample.
Avoidant
Research-informed
People higher in attachment avoidance tend to feel uneasy with closeness, to rely on themselves, and to pull back or create distance when stressed. One theory describes people higher in avoidance as preferring to rely on themselves (Levy et al., 2018). This describes group tendencies only, and many people cope this way at times.
In the same student study, people higher in avoidance reported smaller gains in emotional and relational well-being after interactions with others (Springstein et al., 2023). This is an association only.
Fearful or disorganized
Research-informed
Some people score fairly high on both anxiety and avoidance. They may want closeness and also feel uneasy with it. "Fearful" is sometimes used as a label for this mix of the two dimensions. It describes a mix, not a separate illness.
Disorganized is a term from infant attachment research. It was created to classify how a baby behaved in one lab procedure, and it has limited use for adults. In adult research, the Adult Attachment Interview codes a related state of mind it calls "unresolved" (Raby et al., 2022). These are research terms for how an observation or an interview is coded. They are not diagnoses, and an online quiz cannot tell you that you are "disorganized".
How adult attachment differs from infant categories
Research-informed
Infant attachment has often been studied with a lab procedure called the Strange Situation. Adults are usually studied with questionnaires about close relationships or with an interview about states of mind (the Adult Attachment Interview). These are different tools.
In one large analysis of the Adult Attachment Interview (3,218 adults from 40 studies), the scales fitted continuous dimensions better than distinct categories (Raby et al., 2022). Researchers are still testing how well these models predict real-life outcomes.
Infant patterns have shown some link to adult life in one study. In a long-running US study of children born to mothers living in poverty, infants classed as insecure showed, 20 to 35 years later, somewhat less open problem-solving and more suppression or emotional exaggeration in partner conflict talks (Girme et al., 2021). This is an association in one sample, and early attachment does not decide how adult relationships go.
Patterns vary and can change
Research-informed
Early experiences are linked to adult patterns only weakly and inconsistently (Fraley & Roisman, 2019). They do not determine adult attachment. Attachment shows some stability over time and appears more changeable in childhood and adolescence than in adulthood (Jones et al., 2018).
Across people: In three long-running US samples followed from adolescence into old age, average anxiety fell mainly in middle and later adulthood, and average avoidance fell gradually (Chopik et al., 2019). People in relationships scored lower on both, which may reflect who tends to be in relationships as well as what relationships do. These are group averages, not a prediction for any one person.
Across relationships: People can feel differently attached to different people. In one study, avoidance toward a romantic partner fell as the relationship progressed, while avoidance toward parents did not change (Umemura et al., 2018).
Over time: In one study of couples followed for about two months, people higher in general mindfulness showed later decreases in attachment anxiety, and people higher in relationship-specific mindfulness showed later decreases in avoidance through greater empathy (Gazder & Stanton, 2022). The study cannot show what caused the changes.
For most people, attachment tendencies are moderately stable across years (Fraley, 2019; Fraley & Roisman, 2019). They can change, usually gradually and modestly, with new relationships, life events and sometimes therapy. But change is not guaranteed or quick.
Some studies find attachment insecurity decreasing during psychotherapy. In one study of 49 people with panic disorder, attachment anxiety dropped during short-term cognitive behavioral therapy and stayed lower for eight months after (Lange et al., 2021). In an open trial of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, attachment avoidance decreased but attachment anxiety did not (Zalaznik et al., 2025). Both studied cognitive behavioral therapy, not attachment-focused therapy, and single studies like these cannot show that any approach changes attachment reliably or lastingly. Group averages also hide a lot of individual variation.
Connection, trust and fear of abandonment
Research-informed
Across many studies, people higher in attachment anxiety or avoidance report somewhat lower relationship satisfaction on average, and so do their partners (Candel & Turliuc, 2019). This shows a link. It does not show that attachment causes unhappiness.
Reviews of couple research describe severe or persistent conflict as a situation that can activate attachment tendencies, with each partner's anxiety and avoidance shaping how they respond (Feeney & Karantzas, 2017). Most of this work looks at links, not causes, and it is not about relationships involving fear or control.
Worry about being left, and reassurance seeking
Research-informed
Worry about being left can lead people to seek reassurance. Whether this helps depends on the person. In three studies of couples' support discussions, reassurance seeking helped when the person seeking it was higher in avoidance: partners felt closer and gave more support. For people lower in avoidance it did not bring more support, and partners sometimes felt less close (Girme et al., 2016). So reassurance seeking is not simply good or bad.
In two studies of heterosexual couples, higher attachment anxiety went with feeling less valued when a partner was distressed, and feeling less valued went with more critical behaviour (in one study this appeared only for men) (Jayamaha et al., 2017). These are associations. The studies did not test whether feeling appreciated changes behaviour.
Does a supportive partner always help?
Research-informed
A systematic review of 31 studies of couples found that a partner's support reduced the link between insecure attachment and negative emotions in only about 9% of analyses (Mosannenzadeh et al., 2025). Support should not be treated as a guaranteed fix.
Asking for support
Research-informed
Experiments on asking for help find that people usually underestimate how willing others are to say yes to a request (Bohns, 2016). They also underestimate how good helping feels to the helper (Zhao & Epley, 2022). Most of these were online or lab studies, mostly in US samples, and norms about asking for help differ across cultures.
This is a reason to test a fear of asking, not proof that asking is always safe. It does not apply to relationships involving fear or control. These studies did not look at attachment, so they do not show how people higher in anxiety or avoidance would respond.
Understanding My Relationship Patterns
Reflection
This is not a test. The reflection below does not score you, label you or tell you an attachment style. It is not a diagnostic or attachment-style test. Online quizzes are at most rough prompts for self-reflection. The questions are here to help you notice your own patterns in your own words.
Understanding My Relationship Patterns
Reflection
Five questions to think about, in your own words. This is a reflection, not a test or a diagnosis. There are no right answers, and you can stop whenever you like.
Attachment and Relationships Explorer
Reflection
These scenarios are about closeness, separation and conflict. Each one describes how different tendencies might show up. They are illustrations, not predictions, and they are not a way to sort you into a type. You can close this at any time. If a partner controls, threatens or frightens you, worry, walking on eggshells or trying to keep the peace may be a reasonable response to danger, not an attachment style. Please read the safety section of Building Relationships Without Losing Yourself before trying any of the ideas here.
Attachment and Relationships Explorer
Reflection
Open any scenario you would like to think about. Each one shows tendencies that research links with attachment anxiety and avoidance. These are illustrations, not predictions, and not a test. You can close this at any time. If a partner controls, threatens or frightens you, these ideas may not fit: please read the safety section of Building Relationships Without Losing Yourself first.
Someone close wants to get closer
A friend or partner shares something personal and asks you to do the same. Some people feel warmth and relief. Some feel uneasy and want space, which is the kind of reaction research links with higher attachment avoidance. Some feel both at once. Reflect: what do I notice in my body, and what would help me answer at my own pace?
A partner is away for a few days
Separation can bring missing, worry, relief or a mix. Attachment anxiety is described as worry about being left, and avoidance as a preference for coping alone. Reviews link the two with different ways of handling distress, as group tendencies. Reflect: what do I tell myself during the silence, and what is one kind thing I could do for myself while I wait?
A message goes unanswered for a long time
Some people read a lot into it and want to check in again. Some barely notice. Reassurance seeking is not simply good or bad: in three studies of couples it helped when the person seeking it was higher in avoidance, and did not bring more support for others (Girme et al., 2016). Reflect: what other explanations could there be, and what would I like to ask for, if anything?
After an argument
Reviews describe severe or persistent conflict as a situation that can activate attachment tendencies. Some people want to talk straight away to repair things. Some go quiet or withdraw. Some do both in turn. Most of this research looks at links, not causes. Reflect: what do I need after a disagreement, and how could I say so in a sentence?
A partner needs comfort while you feel stretched
In two studies of heterosexual couples, higher attachment anxiety went with feeling less valued when a partner was distressed, which went with more critical behaviour. These are associations, not proof of cause, and they do not mean anxious people are to blame. Reflect: what would help me stay kind when I am low on energy, and what would I want my partner to know?
Someone offers support and it feels awkward
Support is not a guaranteed fix: in one systematic review, a partner's support reduced the link between insecure attachment and negative emotions in only a small share of analyses. Asking for support can feel risky. In experiments, people tended to expect more refusals, and less good feeling in helpers, than they actually got (Bohns, 2016; Zhao & Epley, 2022). Those were mostly US online or lab studies, so treat this as a reason to test the fear, not as a promise. Reflect: what kind of support feels useful to me, and what kind does not?
What the research does and does not show
Research-informed
What the research does and does not show
Research-informed
Mostly associations. Most findings here are links found at one point in time or over short follow-ups. They cannot show that attachment causes a result, or that a result causes attachment.
Averages, not individuals. A finding that anxiety declines with age on average does not mean it will for any one person.
Theories. The descriptions of secure, anxious and avoidant ways of relating come partly from review articles written by the researchers who developed the theory. They are one proposed way of understanding, not settled fact.
Who was studied. Many studies involved mostly Western, often student or couple samples. Findings may not apply in the same way across cultures.
Short-term effects. A meta-analysis of lab studies found that brief "security priming" exercises (reminders of supportive relationships) were followed by better emotional, thinking and behavioural outcomes on average (Gillath et al., 2022). Evidence of publication bias was mixed, and the studies do not show whether the effects last in daily life.
Therapy. People with more secure attachment tend to do somewhat better in therapy on average (Levy et al., 2018). Insecure attachment is linked with a slightly weaker bond with a therapist, but the link is small (Notsu et al., 2024). One attachment-based couples approach, Emotionally Focused Therapy, has research support, but the review we cite was co-written by the therapy's developer (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016), so it is one well-studied option and not the only one.
Couples therapy and safety. Couples therapy is not usually advised if one partner is afraid of the other, or if there is control, threats or violence. A systematic review of six studies concluded that couples therapy may be workable only in select cases of situational, non-coercive violence, and the evidence is preliminary (Karakurt et al., 2016). If this is your situation, seek individual support first. A good therapist will ask about safety separately and privately.
When to get professional support
Research-informed
Worries about trust, closeness or being left are common human experiences. It can help to talk with a licensed professional when these worries affect your daily life, such as your sleep, work, friendships or ability to feel safe with people you care about, or when they bring ongoing distress.
Couples therapy is not usually advised if one partner is afraid of the other, or if there is control, threats or violence. In that case, seek individual support first. A good therapist will ask about safety separately and privately.
See How to choose a therapist and Therapy types. If worries about abandonment come with intense anxiety or low mood, you can also read about anxiety and depression. If painful experiences from the past are part of your story, trauma and PTSD may be useful to read, and a trauma-informed professional can help.
If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the United States or Canada (chat in the US at 988lifeline.org). In the UK or Ireland, call Samaritans on 116 123. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In New Zealand, call or text 1737. These lines are free to call from most phones and open 24 hours a day. Elsewhere, find a local helpline at findahelpline.com. If someone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 in the United States or Canada (chat in the US at 988lifeline.org). In the UK or Ireland, call Samaritans on 116 123. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In New Zealand, call or text 1737. These lines are free to call from most phones and open 24 hours a day. Elsewhere, find a local helpline at findahelpline.com. If someone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.
Sources and further reading
Bohns, V. K. (2016). (Mis)understanding our influence over others: A review of the underestimation-of-compliance effect. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(2), 119-123. Source Review of experiments: people underestimate how often others comply with requests; the error is linked to not appreciating how awkward saying no is.
Candel, O. S., & Turliuc, M. N. (2019). Insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis of actor and partner associations. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 190-199. Source Anxiety and avoidance linked to lower relationship satisfaction for self and partner across 132 studies; also names the two forms of insecurity.
Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598-611. Source Three long-running US samples: average anxiety fell mainly in middle and later adulthood, avoidance fell gradually; people in relationships scored lower on both (association, selection possible).
Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60-64. Source Review: severe or persistent conflict can activate attachment tendencies; responses shaped by each partner's anxiety and avoidance.
Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in Adulthood: Recent Developments, Emerging Debates, and Future Directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70(1), 401-422. Source Review of adult attachment: orientations are moderately stable across years; change is usually gradual and modest.
Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26-30. Source Early caregiving links to adult attachment are weak and inconsistent; patterns are more changeable earlier in life; stability and change in adulthood.
Gazder, T., & Stanton, S. C. E. (2022). Longitudinal associations between mindfulness and change in attachment orientations in couples: The role of relationship preoccupation and empathy. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(5), 1398-1421. Source One study of couples over about two months: mindfulness linked to later decreases in anxiety or avoidance; cannot show cause.
Gillath, O., Karantzas, G. C., Romano, D., & Karantzas, K. M. (2022). Attachment Security Priming: A Meta-Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 26(3), 183-241. Source Meta-analysis of security priming: better outcomes on average; publication bias evidence mixed; durability unknown.
Girme, Y. U., Jones, R. E., Fleck, C., Simpson, J. A., & Overall, N. C. (2021). Infants’ attachment insecurity predicts attachment-relevant emotion regulation strategies in adulthood. Emotion, 21(2), 260-272. Source Infants of mothers in poverty: infant insecurity and emotion regulation in adult partner conflict talks (association in one sample); also uses the Strange Situation.
Girme, Y. U., Molloy, P. R., & Overall, N. C. (2016). Repairing Distance and Facilitating Support. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 42(5), 645-661. Source Three couple studies: reassurance seeking helped when the seeker was higher in avoidance; not more support for others.
Jayamaha, S. D., Girme, Y. U., & Overall, N. C. (2017). When attachment anxiety impedes support provision: The role of feeling unvalued and unappreciated. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(2), 181-191. Source Two studies of heterosexual couples: more anxious people felt less valued when a partner was distressed; association only.
Jones, J. D., Fraley, R. C., Ehrlich, K. B., Stern, J. A., Lejuez, C. W., Shaver, P. R., & Cassidy, J. (2018). Stability of Attachment Style in Adolescence: An Empirical Test of Alternative Developmental Processes. Child Development, 89(3), 871-880. Source Attachment shows some stability over time; stability lower in adolescence than adulthood.
Karakurt, G., Whiting, K., van Esch, C., Bolen, S. D., & Calabrese, J. R. (2016). Couples therapy for intimate partner violence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(4), 567-583. Source Systematic review of six studies: couples therapy for partner violence may be viable only in select situational, non-coercive cases; preliminary evidence.
Lange, J., Goerigk, S., Nowak, K., Rosner, R., & Erhardt, A. (2021). Attachment style change and working alliance in panic disorder patients treated with cognitive behavioral therapy. Psychotherapy, 58(2), 206-218. Source One study of 49 people with panic disorder: attachment anxiety fell during cognitive behavioral therapy and stayed lower at 8 months.
Levy, K. N., Kivity, Y., Johnson, B. N., & Gooch, C. V. (2018). Adult attachment as a predictor and moderator of psychotherapy outcome: A meta‐analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(11), 1996-2013. Source Meta-analysis of therapy studies: more secure patients do better on average; restates the theory of healthy interdependence, overdependence and difficulty relying on others.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2019). Attachment orientations and emotion regulation. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 6-10. Source Review: anxiety and avoidance linked to different ways of regulating distress (theory authors; self-report and short lab studies).
Mosannenzadeh, F., Kouri, G., Luijten, M., Schoebi, D., & Karremans, J. C. (2025). Does Romantic Partner Support Buffer the Effect of Attachment Insecurities on Negative Emotions? A Systematic Review. Collabra: Psychology, 11(1), 130079. Source Systematic review of 31 studies: partner support buffered the link between insecure attachment and negative emotions in only about 9% of analyses.
Notsu, H., Blansfield, R. E., Spina, D. S., & Levy, K. N. (2024). An updated meta-analysis of the relation between adult attachment style and working alliance. Psychotherapy Research, 35(5), 721-734. Source Insecure attachment linked to a slightly weaker therapy bond; the link is small.
Raby, K. L., Verhage, M. L., Fearon, R. M. P., Fraley, R. C., Roisman, G. I., van IJzendoorn, M. H., Schuengel, C., Madigan, S., Oosterman, M., Bakermans-Kranenburg, M. J., Bernier, A., Ensink, K., Hautamäki, A., Mangelsdorf, S., Priddis, L. E., Wong, M. S., & The Collaboration on Attachment Transmission Synthesis. (2022). The latent structure of the adult attachment interview: Large sample evidence from the collaboration on attachment transmission synthesis. Development and Psychopathology, 34(1), 307-319. Source Adult Attachment Interview scales (dismissing, preoccupied, unresolved states of mind) fit continuous dimensions better than categories in 3,218 adults.
Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19-24. Source Names anxiety and avoidance as the two forms of insecurity and links them to emotion regulation under stress (theory by the model's authors).
Springstein, T., Hamerling-Potts, K. K., Landa, I., & English, T. (2023). Adult attachment and interpersonal emotion regulation motives in daily life. Emotion, 23(5), 1281-1293. Source 211 undergraduates, self-report: anxiety linked to self-focused and impression-management motives; avoidance to smaller perceived gains after interactions.
Umemura, T., Lacinová, L., Kotrčová, K., & Fraley, R. C. (2018). Similarities and differences regarding changes in attachment preferences and attachment styles in relation to romantic relationship length: longitudinal and concurrent analyses. Attachment & Human Development, 20(2), 135-159. Source People can be differently attached to different people; avoidance toward a partner fell over time.
Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390-407. Source Review co-written by the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy; reports research support.
Zalaznik, D., Zlotnick, E., Barzilay, S., Ganor, T., Sorka, H., Ebert, D. D., Andersson, G., & Huppert, J. D. (2025). Interpersonal factors in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy for depression: Attachment style and alliance with the program and with the therapist. Psychotherapy Research, 35(4), 558-573. Source Open trial of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy for depression: avoidance decreased, anxiety did not; no comparison group.
Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2022). Surprisingly Happy to Have Helped: Underestimating Prosociality Creates a Misplaced Barrier to Asking for Help. Psychological Science, 33(10), 1708-1731. Source Experiments: people asking for help underestimate others' willingness to help and how good helping feels.
Within Your Light provides psychoeducation. This page is for educational purposes only and is not medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please talk with a licensed professional about your own health. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 in the United States, or use your local emergency number or findahelpline.com.
